Hello, and Welcome.  

I am so glad you have found your way to my page!  

Please let me introduce myself and describe a bit about the motivation behind the site’s creation.

    My name is Christopher and I lived over three and a half decades of my life imprisoned within the ever-increasingly dark and lonely world of addiction.  It took me to hospitals, jail, homelessness, a crisis stabilization unit, and sober houses.  Jobs were lost, relationships damaged and destroyed, and dreams dashed. Alcohol was my primary drug of choice due to its’ ease of access along with a healthy fear of intravenous drugs.  I’ve heard it said that one is too many, yet a thousand is never enough.  That perfectly describes the last years before I got sober.  I believe I had been absolutely powerless over the need to drink for many years before I ever attempted to stop.  By then there was no putting it down.  It had a firm grip.  As with most of us though, there were other addictions which took root long before I ever took my first drink and still linger to varying degrees many years after physical sobriety.  For example, I was and still can be addicted to my own way of thinking; of perceiving reality.  I used to be certain that the best life possible was one managed by self-will.  I honestly believed that if everyone else would only behave as I felt they should, we would all be better off.  I lived life as described in the story from step 3 in the A.A. Big Book about the actor who fell victim to the delusion that he could wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only he managed well.  The bottom line is that I was trying to mold life to fit my personal desires and expectations, while most of those around me were trying to do the same.  I was attempting  to squeeze fulfillment out of relationships, jobs, and activities.  So, when I did not receive what I felt I needed or feared losing something I had – each time a situation did not go my way, I became frustrated and resentful. I ‘suffered’.  I had discovered at an early age that drinking would relieve much of that suffering for a short time.  I could temporarily escape responsibility, fear, and anxiety.  Distress and dread would fade briefly.  Sometimes situations would even resolve themselves, or so it seemed.  I could postpone ‘growing up’ one more day. 

    Don’t get me wrong, I drank when things were good too. The bottle became my go-to for all occasions.  But mainly I drank to prevent or relieve discomfort.  My life became focused on seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.  The ultimate result of running to the bottle rather than walking through life’s difficulties is that I failed to mature emotionally and spiritually. And in reality, by trying to continually prevent discomfort, I was only postponing even greater anguish.  In recovery I discovered that had I accepted my circumstances, as mature people are expected to, I might have realized then that, even though life can and will be terribly difficult at times, it is not against me.  There is not, as I had imagined, a lack of resources wherein each person must lie, cheat and steal to assure their own needs are met.  The fear-based idea that I must try to control every aspect of my life, attempt to manipulate people and situations, and step over others to get what I thought I needed, turned out to be false.  How deeply ingrained those illusions had become.  Having bought into the notion of consumerism very early in life, I strove for what I thought I deserved, turning to alcohol and radiating bitterness and self-pity when things did not go my way.  The more I sought for myself alone, the more disappointed I became; the more I struggled.  Blinded by self-centeredness, selfishness, and fear, I burned bridges and pushed people away.  Life for me got smaller and smaller until finally nothing substantial or good remained.  Yet, my own firm refusal to believe I had anything to do with my situation kept me imprisoned.  Unless and until I was willing and able to see beyond the delusions of my own way of thinking, an alcoholic death was the only possible outcome.

     Here is the good news – which I was slowly able to see once my eyes did begin to open: It turns out that the simple recognition that my perspectives on life were false and that I am my own biggest problem, is the beginning of freedom; not only from alcoholism, but from much of the anxiety, fear, shame, anger, depression, loneliness…those problems to which alcohol had become my answer!  Today I know there is an ultimate solution; one that is immeasurably greater than I could have ever previously imagined!  The promises of Alcoholics Anonymous tell of a new freedom and a new happiness.  I understand what that means today, but could never previously have conceived of the peace and confidence that I now experience.  Because no words exist that can adequately describe life as it has become, though, I am unable to convey the magnitude of the transformation.   It seems each of us must discover it on our own. This Power greater than ourselves, who introduces us to the Truth that can free us from a living hell, must be invited into our hearts and lives individually.  We each must allow God to show us who we really are and, more importantly, Whose we are.  For me, perhaps the most amazing discovery has been that I have gained access to this freedom not as much by ‘learning’ or ‘doing’ anything, but primarily by unlearning that which I eventually realized was untrue all along.  It is that simple and that hard.  We need only be awakened to the Great Reality!

     There has been an entire transformation in the way I see and experience life.  I used to live only to cope, and to seek what I thought was happiness.  And any pleasures I enjoyed, as well as recurring depression and almost relentless anxiety, always came and went with what happened externally.  Situations outside myself seemed to dictate how I felt inside.  Today I know life is bountiful. There is a peace that the world itself cannot give nor take away.  It underlies everything.  Deep contentment has been given me, regardless of what is going on in the outside world. I have discovered that what Eckhart Tolle said is true, “Surrender to what is.  Say ‘yes’ to life – and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”  I know there is a waterfall of Grace that continually flows and we need only recognize our need and hold out our cups to receive it!  I am convinced that this revolutionary transformation in attitude and outlook on life, the change from simply existing in a world of scarcity to flourishing in obvious abundance, is the ‘essential psychic change’ described in A.A. literature.  And it is attainable for all who sincerely seek and accept it.

   I was a trembling wretch who came knocking on death’s door – begging to be let in.  Life had won.  I had lost.  In Step 1 of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions it says, “only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength.”  It took me a couple of years to understand that, but looking back I see that only from the place where there was no more fight, and no more hope, was I able to be pulled through the 12 Steps by my Higher Power to gradually be reborn.  I realize now that I had, paradoxically, won by losing!  Slowly, I came to believe that, although the hardest thing I might ever attempt is to relinquish the illusion of control, as soon as I began to let go, life started to become simple.  I need only unclench my fists, accept the ever-flowing power and grace, and seek what is mine to do.  I live now with but a single purpose: to offer myself to Life through a ministry of availability and to seek and do the will of my Creator to the best of my ability.  It has become the only way of living that makes sense.  The passion that underlies all that this website may bring is expressed best by Bill W. in the story “Alcoholic Number Three, “…the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling people.” 

           Please know it is neither my intention nor desire to distort anything about the program of recovery laid out in 12 step literature.  In fact, as stated on the second to the last page of the Alcoholics Anonymous text, I “believe and hope it contains all you will need to begin.”  Absolutely everything necessary to work the steps that lead us to a Power greater than ourselves is included in the basic texts of recovery; while everything required to get free is inside each of us.  Indeed, it is no less than a miracle for one drunk to stay away from one drink one day at a time.  But, if we are to continue to grow along this path, if our awakening is to develop further, if we are to truly accept the gifts we are offered and thrive in this new life, as Bill W. says, “we must go further.”  In fact, I believe it a tragedy, not only for us as individuals, but for those close to us, and for the world about us, to remain fixed in a place where we stop asking the most important questions: How can I improve my conscious contact with God as I experience Him?  How can I trust more deeply that His life for me is infinitely better than any life I could imagine for myself?  How can I live from a more faithful stance, allowing Him to work through me?  Rather, it is so easy to get stuck in fear, selfishness, and complacency, continuing to ask, what must ‘I’ do to stay sober today?  How spiritual am ‘I’ compared to others?  How good is ‘my’ life?

What if Bill W. was spot on in his invitation at the top of this page?  And what if not only the blockages, but also the elements, to true freedom, are already inside of us?  Have you had the compulsion to drink or use lifted?  Can you remember a time when you could never have envisioned the life you have today?  What if there is yet another level of freedom, beyond that which we could possibly conceive of, just waiting to be sought?  Bill W. was fond of saying, “the good is the enemy of the better.”  He believed that most of us, once we have stayed sober for a time, naturally reason that we have had a complete spiritual awakening.  We think we have reached the summit.  We begin to act as if staying away from a drink, being aware of some of our emotional snags, and ‘working real hard’ on our shortcomings, is as good as it gets.  We thank God from the bottom of our hearts for removing the desire to drink, but so often get stuck on the dash in step one and start managing our lives again, if only a little at a time.  We suppose that from here on we need only maintain our sobriety by doing the things we were told to do, such as attending meetings, reading literature, helping others, asking God to keep us sober another day, and perhaps saying a prayer or two.  Our pride often lures us into believing that we  are staying sober.  What about the promise offered in our literature that this is all gift?  Could it be that Grace (unearned and unmerited gift) keeps us sober rather than any action on our part?  Is it possible that, as incredible as it may sound, all we need to do is what is in front of us in this moment and trust that our Higher Power not only will, but wants to keep us sober; that there is no ‘price’ to be paid?  Consider that the action required on our part may primarily be to seek the resolve to remain grateful, willing, openminded, and to offer ourselves to our Inner Authority with complete and utter abandon!  These are not heretical ideas or at all contrary to the intent of our founders, but actually very plain and clear throughout our literature.

There came a time in early sobriety where I began to realize the truth about God’s primary and complete abandon to us as beloved children.  As I reflected on the reality of His outpouring love upon me irregardless of my past actions, I wept tears of sorrow for the utter selfishness I had exhibited throughout my life; yet, at the same time, tears of pure joy as I accepted His forgiveness and it filled my soul.  A profound longing to become who I am meant to be and to do what is mine to do sprung up and became primary to all else.  The suffering of those about me and the horrific atrocities that occur all around us came into view like never before.   The crust had been removed from my eyes.  I had been freed from a self-created prison, and I began to understand that this gift I had been given was not for myself alone.  What now am I to do with all the energy I used to expend trying to control every aspect of my life?   I saw that instead of raising my fist and asking how such misery could be allowed to exist, it was time to face the fact that we are the hands and feet and voice of our Creator.  Rather than wondering why The Father of Light would allow such sorrow, anguish, and torture to continue, what if we began to ask, “what are my gifts?” “Where can I begin to help mend what is broken?”  If I am confident that the drink problem has  been removed as promised, can I not, should I not allow myself to be used as a conduit for Her outpouring love?”  How do I begin to ‘go out’ from here?  Can I alone make a difference in this world?  I believe so.  Can several million addicts and alcoholics change the trajectory of where we are headed?  Absolutely!  One surrender at a time. 

I hope you will join me as I share some of my own experience, strength, and hope.  Let’s journey together into the possibilities and explore some of these ideas.  I believe that the potentials of emotional, and mystical sobriety are limitless.  If we are willing to ask the hard questions of ourselves required to mature along the spiritual path, we can discover a life beyond our imagination; one brimming over with hope and meaning.  Rather than looking at 12 step literature as the answer in and of itself, we might find instead that, as expressed in our literature, it in fact points to the answer.  We may just come to realize that the goal is not to ‘work a good program’ but to allow the program to get us to the place where something can truly be done: a program that introduces us to a life dependent upon our Creator, and frees us from faulty reliance on people and outcomes.  Imagine, if each of us, instead of attending meetings to ‘get our medicine,’ began to experience an unquenchable desire to share with others what God continues to do in our lives.  Consider how we might be transformed (and in turn help transform others) as our own glimpses of Heaven become the foundation for a joyful place from which we come alive.  Then, we can truly commence to “bear witness to those [we] would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life!”

~ Christopher; Spiritual Director & active member of Alcoholics Anonymous